My article published in The Hindu

Keeping the flame alive
The joint venture of marriage is on shaky ground in these changing times. Couples who have enjoyed this relationship for half a century and more tell Hemjit Bharathan it's all about adjustment

It is the same old love story. A few years into marriage and love is out the window. Never has this been truer than it is today with divorces and separations on the rise.
Nothing is more complicated and incomprehensible than love. Sustaining it in long-term, committed relationships is tricky. Love needs to be navigated, steered for its upkeep and maintenance. So how do couples married for forty to fifty years keep the flame of love burning? Parvathy and Narayanan who are celebrating their golden jubilee wedding year feel that certain faults in each other have to be ignored for a smooth innings of married life.
"Married life calls for a little bit of playacting," admits Narayanan good-humouredly. Though a man and woman are equal but to satisfy a man's ego a woman's intuition should lead her to act that she is inferior and helpless. The damsel in distress has always boosted a man's self-image." True, for isn't life a stage and are we not the actors as the famous playwright quoted?
"Communication is an important factor. Nothing should be bottled up and feelings should be expressed. It is important to spend time together. But TV has resulted in less interaction and exchange of ideas. Today's couples also give undue importance to entertainments and material enjoyment. Marriage should never be taken lightly. Stable marriages are the finest examples for today's youth and is the back bone of society," adds Narayanan
Adjustment
Parvathy opines, "There is no special behaviour code for husbands and wives. But one has to adjust, adjust and again adjust for compatibility. Tiffs and quarrels are part of married life and do not decrease with years. In fact it can even increase. But they should be taken lightly and should not be too often. Temper has to be controlled for sometimes nasty and unforgivable accusations are uttered shaking the foundation of the relationship. As couples advance in age their social lives get restricted. Children are away with their own problems. Friends also hardly drop in. It is then couples realise that they have only each other."
"Once you have learnt the ropes it is easy," feel Chandramathy Menon and R.K.Menon who are only a few years away from celebrating 50 years of their marriage. "Domination is less today," admits R. K. Menon.
"But a sad fact is that husbands and wives have become separate entities today. Attitudes have changed. Marriage was a joint venture earlier. There was more intimacy earlier as wives were always near their husbands. But today each pursues his/her own interests. Thus interaction is almost nil which is not a good trend. Birthday and anniversary gifts, which have become obligatory, should not form the yardstick to measure love."
Chandramathy relies on her woman's intuition to skilfully handle complexities like ego problems, something that results when two people share a roof.
"At first tolerance was one-sided. Only his decisions mattered. My opinions were ignored. But over a matter of time I dealt with things in such a way that my decisions were gradually delivered by him as his decisions," she discloses light-heartedly.
Communication
Anne and Jerome who are celebrating 55 years of their marriage this year feel that conversation between couples is very important. But couples should know not only when to talk but when to keep mum. "Sharing the same roof for years can lead to a lot of irritation. Thus marriage is a lifetime of adjustment. Couples should make that extra effort to please each other. As Jerome loves inviting guests I use my culinary skills to entertain them and I know he is pleased," says Anne revealing her use of diplomacy and thoughtfulness.
For Jerome, "Couples today only criticise but never praise or encourage each other. Thus a conscious effort should be made to compliment each other. Love should be demonstrated. Physical intimacy should not be confined to the bedroom. Holding hands or placing an arm round the other's shoulders while talking or watching T.V. helps in fostering intimacy.
Marriage, like other institutions is a continuous process of learning."
Nothing is as complex as the man-woman relationship. Perhaps this quote from a famous poet sums it best. "As unto the bow the cord is, so unto the man is woman. Although she bends him yet she obeys him. Although she draws him yet she follows him. Useless each without the other."